This is a link to a blog post I penned for my friends at Flat Earth Theatre, who asked me to write about a memory from my childhood, around gender identity and sexuality.
I just ran into a friend of mine who wished me well on running the Boston Marathon tomorrow. She said something that is still floating around in my brain. When her brother was in the military and in the midst of the intensity of boot camp, he told himself, he could do anything, he just couldn’t stop.
So my friend and I exchanged jokes about how tomorrow, I can do anything to get from the start to finish, I just can’t stop. Thinking in a glass half full way, I am now imagining all the things I can be thinking of tomorrow that will take up space in my brain where the buzzing mosquito voice lives, reminding me throughout the marathon that I should stop.
Instead, I will think of all the dogs at the shelter that take up space in my heart. Like Penny, the hound, who howled at every dog who got within five hundred yards of her, but would put her head on your lap and close her eyes. I will think of all the toppings that would be amazing on a huge messy cheesy slice of thin crust pizza. I can try and guess how many times I could sing Journey’s Don’t Stop Believing in 26.2 miles. I can make up wacky Roller Derby names for all the runners surrounding me. I can high five every little kid who sticks there hand out on the sidelines on the course. I can just be present and look at the trees and smell the air and feel my legs moving. And just know how freaking lucky I am.
But I won’t stop. I will keep moving forward. Hopefully mostly running. There may be some walking. But I will move until the distance from the start becomes greater and the finish line is beneath my aching feet. Because I am running for the dogs. The dogs at the shelter who have made me a better person. I am running for those who are no longer alongside us, but live in our hearts. And I am running for the year that cancer kept me on the couch more than outside in the world.
Tomorrow, I am running in the Boston Marathon. And as someone who grew up watching and hoping maybe someday I would get to run it, that day has arrived. So there are two things I won’t do tomorrow. I won’t stop. And I won’t ever take it for granted that I am running in the Boston Marathon.
As I was walking to the starting line of the 16 mile Boston Prep Race on a Sunday in January, I overheard a couple of veteran runners talking about their strategy for the course. “I think I’ll start out at 7:20 and see if I have enough to kick it in at the end.” My eyes widened. I looked over at them, with a worried smile and said, “I just hope to finish the damn thing.” They both laughed and one of them, a man of medium build, about my age, maybe a bit older said, “I hear you. You finish this race, you’ve definitely accomplished something.” As they walked ahead, I had this tiny whispering fear surface in the base of my brain. It didn’t have words attached to it, just a floating cloud of nervousness as I thought about the 16 miles ahead of me. This course was a test. It wasn’t called the Boston Prep race for nothing. There were many hills, some really steep ones. And I knew, it would challenge me, both mentally, and physically. I stood at the starting line amidst a sea of runners, wiggling my legs to keep them loose in the 20 degree weather, snow flakes catching my eyelashes. As the wall of black running tights started moving ahead of me, I took a deep breath, hit the start button on my watch, and felt my feet start to shuffle.
My goal for every race is to be present, to feel good, and to finish. Within a quarter mile of the start, I was already encountering my first hill. Here we go. As my body warmed up, and I fell into a good rhythm, I took in the beautiful windy roadside views. I felt the excitement of running amongst a community of dedicated athletes. I felt the pavement under my feet. I felt good.
About half way through the race, at 8 miles or so, there was a moment as I was pushing my legs up a steep hill when I felt that sharp tug inside of me, “Do I have what it takes to get through this?”
That pull triggered a memory, a day when I was in the middle of my cancer treatment. The chemo was making me feel all kinds of not me. I could barely move, I couldn’t get out of bed, couldn’t even think about eating, even drinking a sip of water would make me puke, and I asked myself, “Do I have what it takes to get through this?” What is the alternative if I say no more. If I stop. Just stop. I knew I couldn’t. But the thought was there, like a ghostly ache.
I kept pushing myself up that hill. Knowing there was going to be the top, when my feet would shift, and my body would feel the release of passing over the crest. Running this race pushed me hard. It tested my inner strength. My resolve. I knew I had to keep running, keep my feet moving. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but if I had stopped running, if I had not finished the race, I would have felt like I had cheated. That I didn’t just let myself down, that surviving cancer treatment was just a fluke. That I have not earned this life. I’m not doing it right. There are others who should still be here, people I loved, who died way too young and not finishing the race is a slap in the face. I needed to honor their lives, their humanity, by not giving up. Pushing through the pain was the call I needed to answer. By feeling my breath rush in and out of my lungs, feeling the strain of my calf muscles as I leaned into the hill, the cool sting of sweat stretching across my back. All of those sensations whispered, keep going, keep pushing, because you can, because you get to, you are still here.
Running for me is an immediate surge of that reality. Each moment my foot strikes the ground, I am trying to heal from intense feelings of loss. The loss of my friends who should still be here. The steely isolation from spending months in the alternate reality of chemo land.
For me, running, is the answer. For now. I will keep on running. For me. For those who live inside me, who I miss, who keep reminding me to be alive. In all the ways possible.
On January 2, 2015, I officially started my training for the Boston Marathon. I’m so damn lucky to have been chosen to run with the Animal Rescue League of Boston’s marathon team. I knew this was the year. There were so many flags waving at me from all different directions, I couldn’t help but see them flapping away all around me. I could choose to wave them off, or I could choose to tuck them into the fiery inspiration pocket of my little brain and get a move on.
I somehow got out of my way and chose the latter. And infinitely grateful I am here, able to do so. This past December marked five years since I finished cancer treatment, inspiration #1. This past July was my 10th anniversary volunteering at ARL Boston, inspiration #2. And one year ago, I ran the Disney Marathon with Team We Love TC, in memory and in celebration of my friend TC, who left this world insanely too soon, big time inspiration #3.
Running is such a gift to me. It has given me the ability to heal from loss, the ability to manage and push out my fear, and the ability to show up and be a part of something so much greater than me. This post starts my first of several as I train for the marathon. I will run for the dogs I love that for no fault of their own, stay with us at the shelter until they find a new home, and for all the humans who have inspired me to come this far. I promise to keep on running.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog. They’re better at crunching numbers than me. I’d rather write and eat chocolate. I’m grateful for all the visits and I look forward to writing darn cool stuff in 2015. And on we go….love wins.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 640 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 11 trips to carry that many people.
On October 16, it will be my 10th wedding anniversary. This is remarkable. For reasons that are outside the realm of words. So I’m certain I will fail in capturing what my heart holds. But damn, I’m going to try. Love. Four letters lined up next to one another, that breathe profound feelings in all of us, in so many ways, elevating so many moments into such realness.
I love Meg. My spouse of ten years, my partner for much longer. We are couple #147. Meaning, when Cambridge City Hall opened its doors at midnight on May 17, 2004 to same sex couples, we were the 147th couple invited inside to apply for our marriage license. Boom. History. Made. Amongst the thousands of cheering, applauding, joyous people outside City Hall that night, pushing the celebration up to the stars, we floated, knowing, feeling, without any hesitation, that our love, our commitment to one another, was now, seen as equal.
The little queer kid in me, who for years, created a strategy of survival, by keeping everything hidden, secret, buried…was now leaping about inside me, tears of elated surprise flowing freely. The way I’ve always understood love, attraction, desire, romance, was no longer forbidden, dirty, wrong, deviant. It was right. And it was happening, so loud, lit up and beautiful to witness, in the city in which I lived.
Ten years have passed since couple #147 poured out of the City Hall doors into the electric night. So much has happened. Just this week, courts are overturning discrimination. State after state after state. Love wins. Every time. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes we have to push, wait, push again. But love wins.
On October 16th, I plan to pause, with Meg’s hand in mine, and look up at the stars, like I did ten years ago. Grateful for all that happened then, all that has happened since, and all the progress that will happen, as long as we remember, love. Always. Love.